But, I don't really feel like being proper. This is what's on my mind these days. And in...or, more accurately not in...my body. So this is where the blog will start. It is shared with the hope it shines a light on a sometimes difficult to discuss part of life with chronic pain. Side Note: To be honest, I must admit I started writing this series several weeks ago so "now" isn't quite now...I wanted to have drafts for a few poss before going live.
- The Big Debate
There are few issues as controversial in the chronic pain community as pain medication. I believe this is a decision each patient needs to make for herself (or himself...please assume all pronouns are intended to be inclusive). There are very valid reasons to steer clear of strong pain medications. Opiates and narcotics have MANY downsides. Anyone considering them should fully educate themselves on these issues (e.g., dependence, addiction, potential exacerbation of pain over time, etc.). The problem is that all too often this decision is tainted by stigma and judgment. Here's the plain truth -- Pain medications exist for a reason. Pain medications have VERY valid uses. There IS life after pain medication. Pain medications are NOT inherently bad. It is not fair to let the misuse of medications result in the shaming of those who use them properly.
This is my journey through the maze of medication (well, technically, this is part one....I ramble and I need to break this story up...). Spoiler Alert: Despite the downfalls, despite the very real pain of physical withdrawal, I do not regret my choice to use pain medicine.
- Pain: Where It All Starts
I'd used pain medications before, both in my journey with endometriosis and in the period leading up to and following my first back surgery. Approximately six months after my first back surgery, I found myself spiraling. I stopped physical therapy, in part because of insurance reasons and in part because it had gotten so hard that I was dry-heaving just minutes into my routine. The pain that had seemed to be remitting bounced back. Fiercely. I knew then, years before the doctors confirmed it, that something was wrong.
I think I've blocked out the full force of the pain but I remember knowing that it had hit a new level when I couldn't manage to follow the silly banter of Hoda and Kathie Lee on the final hour of the Today Show. They outwitted me and, if I don't mind saying so myself, I'm typically a smart gal. I went from feeling so overwhelmed by pain that all I could do was watch tv in bed to feeling even more overcome so that all I could do was watch the ceiling fan spin. I watched for hours.
There are no words to describe that place, the place where pain takes over and overtakes the self. Where intense pain dominates your every thought. Where you resist waking...that is, assuming, you've managed to sleep...because you know that all the day will hold is more pain. Where time goes so slow and yet other hours pass in a fast fog when the pain overwhelms your mind and you just kind of go away. Where you are defined by the pain and you have trouble imagining anything else.
- Band-Aids & Cures
I'll talk about that place in the future, probably many times. Even though I couldn't recall what it felt like NOT to be in pain, I was still committed to fighting with every ounce of energy I could muster. Some days I had to hit "pause," the energy wasn't there, but I committed. I needed to believe that there was a future, even if it felt far away. I knew in my bones that my pain had a source and I had to believe that someone had an answer. It was hard to hope, but it would have been impossible not to. As I say about many things in pain-land, you do it because there's no viable alternative...you do it because you do it, even if that sounds a bit trite.
The experience I had in those days with one pain clinic will also be fodder for another day's post (tentatively titled: A Healthy Sick Gal's Top Five(ish) List of Care-less Care Providers), but I needed HELP. Desperately. And, for me, I felt pain medication could provide that help. I told myself every day that pain medicine was a temporary measure. I believed (and still believe) that pain medications are often a Band-Aid, a way to stem the symptoms while you look to answer the real question, the "Why" of the pain. They let you live (and I truly believe they saved my life) through the bleeding while you find the source. Thankfully, I found my GP agreed and believed in me and my commitment. He saw my pain and my truth...a vision for which I will be eternally grateful (and that will make another post, the Healthy Sick Gal's List of the Very Best Caring Care Providers). He recently told me he remembers seeing the pain in my eyes and thinking he could help act as a central contact while I worked with specialists to track down the problem.- To Come --> A Long Journey, A Hope, and the Battle to Break Free
That's the start. Still to come..my journey with pain meds, a tendency towards tolerance, a search for an answer, a fight to break free...
Note: I understand there is no true privacy online. I realize my story can be found, even if I (for now, at least) don't sign my name. Could someone find this and judge me? Sure. Let them. If they looked hard enough, they'd learn the facts anyway so they might as well hear the story behind them. I KNOW that I have used pain medications in the way they are intended to be used so I say loudly that I did NOTHING wrong and have no reason to be ashamed. I am proud to have fought my fight.
(Pills image by Pam Roth; Bandage image by Philip Bump)
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